Not in the fulfillment of...

   I was listening to a podcast yesterday when the speaker said something poignant. He said you can heal, only if you feel. Now, having worked with and on myself for several years, I know for a fact that when we're faced with some of our biggest pain points... it can be incredibly tough to face it head on. To sit with the feelings of pain, loss, etc. To acknowledge them and give it space and time to accept. Usually, we choose to numb ourselves with distractions. Binging on food, alcohol, partying, recreational drugs, gossip, videogames, and the list goes on and on... 

 While I feel that, to a certain degree, one should allow oneself one's method's to unwind... Problem with us humans is, we rarely know when to strike a balance. If it's deciding to start exercising, then either being unable to find the motivation after the initial burst of enthusiasm, or going hard for 7 days a week, only to try and feel the pain in our muscles instead of addressing a soul cry. Eating disorders, negative self image issues, anxiety... all of these stem from us being compulsive about our lives. Because we're so disillusioned by life after a point, that we'll do everything to avoid it. 

 When we're in our teens and are given the illusion that surrounding yourself a bunch of friends is going to make you feel good. And so we do. We largely buy into that and think that being popular is going to bring us that happiness. Then as we make our way into adulthood, we're given to think getting that no, it's actually that well paying job at that amazing MNC which is going to do it for us. Life's going to be set, yeah! ... Only to realize the hollowness of that statement in a year or two. Then of course we have our amazing capitalistic economy that can be counted on to tell you that "Hey! Buy this and you're going to feel amazing!" "Wear this and you're going to look the best you have in years!" "Eat here, it's happiness in a box!" ... No. No, it isn't. Then we're pressured into doing things by this annoying, all comprehensive invisible bubble called Society. Ah, society. Wonderful society. That insists that there's an age for everything. Everything... Graduate at this age, get a job at this age, get a spouse at this age, pop kids at this age and then let the cycle perpetuates itself. I mean... I am so sick of the banner of happiness being waved around in children's' faces by their parents (who themselves were sold onto this rubbish by their parents, for whom none of this has brought happiness in the first place) and yet here we are. 

 Strange how we keep pursuing one thing after another and we're too far into the quicksand when we realize that neither did the previous desire being fulfilled give us the long term happiness we were seeking, but here we are. In this perennial chase. And then just like that, we die one day. 

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 I had a bit of an epiphany yesterday as I sat in my balcony. I have been wrestling with some feelings of inadequacy myself and was just sitting and trying to be in the moment of watching the gentle sun's rays while I could hear someone mowing their lawn in the distance, and birds doing their little 'cheep cheep' simultaneously... And it was as if something dawned on me that I hadn't known all my life. It was what Oprah would call an 'Ah ha" moment. I realized that true happiness, which I'll call Joy... Isn't of the mind at all.    

Now I know maybe to some, this statement might not make sense, and to others, it might be a fact they've known all their lives... But to me, it was a 'Well slap me silly and call me Sally' kind of moment. Because... if happiness isn't of the mind, then what is it of? That's something to think about. But at least it sorts out the mad scramble of the next thing that will bring joy-- Going on that vacation will bring joy! The next trinket will bring joy! That monster milkshake will bring us joy... We only think it will because the mind keeps us in the illusion of 'Next! Next! Next!'...

So I'm going to leave you with that thought. That true joy, is not of the mind. Because true joy is not transient. True joy cannot be an absolute quantity. It just is. 

Tough things to work through...

   I think once you're in your 30s and in what society deems as 'in the thick of things'... one isn't quite given the time and space to deal with life's deeper issues and traumas we've faced up until then. It is only now, thankfully that going to therapy and having shrinks is normalized but (at least in the way I was raised and what I saw among the elders around me) everyone was just expected to keep their chin up and carry on with their life. 

  But that's the thing see... Traumas get carried on. We pass them on either to the next generation or pass it along through our friends like it's their burden to carry... Maybe I should come directly to the issue at hand in what I'm trying to say. As a victim of sexual harassment, who has been molested at the age of 15, been groped, brushed up against, stared at, cat called, followed home... it was only while sitting on the couch a little while ago, and having a rather heated discussion with someone close that I realized how little some people understand of the extent of sexual trauma people face. And how that isn't addressed properly for years, or in some cases, a lifetime. It is of course extremely unfortunate when (some) people use their victimhood for their benefit (read: Depp- Heard case or what we know of it) but a lot of times, what victims of abuse need is just their voice being heard. And acknowledged. Hoping that society will change its ways, and for perverts to stop being perverts, is a big ask... But having someone listen, without judgment, without giving justifications like "oh it was just the alcohol," "oh they're just socially awkward so booze makes them like that," is like me saying my monthly hormones make me want to punch someone in the face till they bleed. Every month, and that it's fine, it's just the hormones" ... It's not fine. If violence makes the recipient uncomfortable, shouldn't it be the same for the recipient of unsolicited sexual overtures? 

  If I were to punch someone in the face every month, would I be given leeway and would people look the other way and say "oh but she's had a hard life, she doesn't know how to deal with it" or would someone just call the cops on me? So if I'm being touched, or if someone's trying to force a conversation with me, or attempting to hold my hand (all in a social setting, in the guise of being "friendly") should we all look away and put it down to the perpetrator having a tough life, or that it's the fault of the alcohol, or call them out on it?

 The more I see of the world, the more I realize that it's the external wounds that get most attention. That's why we live in this superficial world. That oh, only cause it's a bruise, you've been abused and have the wound to show for it. Or oh, if you have the proof of the torn clothes, only then something majorly wrong has been done. But if it's fine on the surface, what about the wounds on the inside? Can a dab of Neosporin or some stiches fix that?... 

  No, but maybe a listening ear can. Someone who wants you to stop hurting, can. When they support, instead of combat. When they don't challenge your feelings of the events. When they don't jump up to give "the other person's point of view" ... I understand relations need to be maintained. I understand not wanting to upend something precious built up over the years.. But I also know harboring pain, shame, guilt and hurt don't benefit either. Only when you're fully healed can you fully use a grievously hurt arm/leg. So only if you're fully healed from past traumas can you move past the mental pain and anguish. 

  I was watching an episode of a series from one of India's greatest epics.. and in it, a queen's modesty is severely compromised. This event is a catalyst that eventually leads to one of the greatest wars mankind ever fought, with a lot of bloodshed and lives lost... But there was that queen some 5000 years ago and then there's us in the 21st century. Nursing same (similar) wounds, harboring the same pain but the only difference is, there's no one to fight our wars... I hope we can heal from our traumas, teach our kids to be better than us, have more empathy and definitely sympathize with someone who's been through things they themselves have no experience of.