I think once you're in your 30s and in what society deems as 'in the thick of things'... one isn't quite given the time and space to deal with life's deeper issues and traumas we've faced up until then. It is only now, thankfully that going to therapy and having shrinks is normalized but (at least in the way I was raised and what I saw among the elders around me) everyone was just expected to keep their chin up and carry on with their life.
But that's the thing see... Traumas get carried on. We pass them on either to the next generation or pass it along through our friends like it's their burden to carry... Maybe I should come directly to the issue at hand in what I'm trying to say. As a victim of sexual harassment, who has been molested at the age of 15, been groped, brushed up against, stared at, cat called, followed home... it was only while sitting on the couch a little while ago, and having a rather heated discussion with someone close that I realized how little some people understand of the extent of sexual trauma people face. And how that isn't addressed properly for years, or in some cases, a lifetime. It is of course extremely unfortunate when (some) people use their victimhood for their benefit (read: Depp- Heard case or what we know of it) but a lot of times, what victims of abuse need is just their voice being heard. And acknowledged. Hoping that society will change its ways, and for perverts to stop being perverts, is a big ask... But having someone listen, without judgment, without giving justifications like "oh it was just the alcohol," "oh they're just socially awkward so booze makes them like that," is like me saying my monthly hormones make me want to punch someone in the face till they bleed. Every month, and that it's fine, it's just the hormones" ... It's not fine. If violence makes the recipient uncomfortable, shouldn't it be the same for the recipient of unsolicited sexual overtures?
If I were to punch someone in the face every month, would I be given leeway and would people look the other way and say "oh but she's had a hard life, she doesn't know how to deal with it" or would someone just call the cops on me? So if I'm being touched, or if someone's trying to force a conversation with me, or attempting to hold my hand (all in a social setting, in the guise of being "friendly") should we all look away and put it down to the perpetrator having a tough life, or that it's the fault of the alcohol, or call them out on it?
The more I see of the world, the more I realize that it's the external wounds that get most attention. That's why we live in this superficial world. That oh, only cause it's a bruise, you've been abused and have the wound to show for it. Or oh, if you have the proof of the torn clothes, only then something majorly wrong has been done. But if it's fine on the surface, what about the wounds on the inside? Can a dab of Neosporin or some stiches fix that?...
No, but maybe a listening ear can. Someone who wants you to stop hurting, can. When they support, instead of combat. When they don't challenge your feelings of the events. When they don't jump up to give "the other person's point of view" ... I understand relations need to be maintained. I understand not wanting to upend something precious built up over the years.. But I also know harboring pain, shame, guilt and hurt don't benefit either. Only when you're fully healed can you fully use a grievously hurt arm/leg. So only if you're fully healed from past traumas can you move past the mental pain and anguish.
I was watching an episode of a series from one of India's greatest epics.. and in it, a queen's modesty is severely compromised. This event is a catalyst that eventually leads to one of the greatest wars mankind ever fought, with a lot of bloodshed and lives lost... But there was that queen some 5000 years ago and then there's us in the 21st century. Nursing same (similar) wounds, harboring the same pain but the only difference is, there's no one to fight our wars... I hope we can heal from our traumas, teach our kids to be better than us, have more empathy and definitely sympathize with someone who's been through things they themselves have no experience of.
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