Would happily like to miss the boat...!

   Turning 24 had not been the most joyous occasion. I mean, for all intents and purposes I AM glad that I'm a year wiser, smarter and yada yada yada, but when you're a 24 year old unmarried girl in a house that would like to see their daughters married, (if not betrothed by this age) it kind of umm, spells trouble. But wait, by trouble, I don't mean like full fledged let's-get-our-daughter-married-to-the-next-Mr.Money bags trouble, but the lets-set-our-daughter-up-so-she'll-willingly-get-married-to-some Mr.Nice kind of trouble.

Now, as thoughtful as that it is, that my family wants to look out for me so much, it's not in the least bit amusing when you're dressed in your prettiest best making a lame conversation with a guy you don't know from adams. Worse still, is to have your folks (and the guys folks) listen in on the conversation, and pretend to not take note of every breath you take (Sort of puts Sting's song in perspective) ...So anyway, meeting with the guy, making small talk with his mother and sister, laughing at jokes I'd otherwise never crack a smile at, made me go into a sort of reverie after the whole (or)deal was over.


The very concept of arranged marriages, (till one is faced with it is oneself) is something we've all been brought up to accept as the norm in our society. But the problem lies is suddenly coming face to face with the idea that you're going to be spend the rest of your (un)blessed life with a guy you hardly know. Well of course, there's the oft used "But you can get to know each other before" and the like, but who decides how much we know of each other before we tie the knot?!!

Some how, I managed to convince my parents to allow me to look for "My Mister Right" on my own. I therefore signed up with one of the leading matrimonial sites of our country, and if I thought I was perturbed enough by the wrong sort in the real world... Boy, nothing had me prepared for what lay ahead in the virtual world!! ... These are some excerpts from profiles I've been sent alerts from, or by innocent individuals whose profiles I came across while looking for "my soul mate".
I don't mean to offend anyone with the bylines and God forbid you're one of the people with some of the horrendous descriptions given below. As for the rest: This is what you go through when you take your parents seriously by listening to them and not talking to boys enough. You end up having to sift through this!!!


"i am mera prabhu from india i know about myself

i want afair giral and brilliant"

(af(f)air giral? He doesn't need THIS website for a fling, surely?! )

"very cool and hot, want my partner help me in every matter...."
( What is he describing, the Hyderabadi weather?:P)

"i am a simple man want a wife i can do anything to want so i want want"
(....... And I want to want out!!)

"i like simple gujrati girls...... who loves me only........."
( Umm. How many does he want to marry?? )

"hi i am gaurav yadav i am teacher in computer software you meet me bay"
(Looks like someone has to enroll themselves in some etiquette classes)

" I AM VERY SILENT PERSON IN THE WORLD I THINK I AM IN THE"
(In the..? Process of not traumatizing us with the details, thankfully!)

"I AM VERY SIMPLE BOYS LOVE MY PARENT AND NAVER WHAT TO CHANGE MY SELF. I AM LOOKING FOR WHO CAN UNDERSTAND MY FELLING AND I ALSO."
( I think he suffers from multiple personality disorder. Don't you FELL the same way?)

"i am best friend of my partner"
(... He's found her already?!)

"I am very entaligans and my incame one laks my parsonal campany technical jobs"
( Uhh, he 'incame' and I'm 'out-going' )

"hi i am gauri. shankar this is samat Girls nda beutifull"
( I'm confused. Is he a girl or a guy and What is he describing?!!)

"I like a beautyfull girl & charming face.
This girl is working in a office."
( Looks like he knows where she works. He should call her sometime. )

"likes: pet, dating, tourism.. etc
dislikes: dose who criticizes the behind."
(Whose behind??!!)))))


"She should be fair and smart and without spectacles, without veesing problems."
( .... I don't think he'll get what he wants in the 'veesing' department. Anyone who takes a look at his photo won't stop wheezing. The horror!)

"who do wrong means wrong"
( And you did wrong in putting up your profile, buddy)

Things are difficult and Impossible before YOU meet me. Will you do marriage to me?
( I think not. Don't be difficult and impossible by even asking that..!!)

"Hi I am satya im looking for a girl who is carrying and understand my feelings."

(Carrying. Already?? I didn't know they came that progressive!)

Your attention please... Not!

  Seeing as how I was going from pillar to post for any job interview, it didn't come as a surprise to my folks when I grandly announced I wanted to give being an air-hostess a shot. I'd been coming up with random professions now and then, so they presumed this was one of those bouts of madness that would soon pass, once the initial rush of doing something "glamorous" wore off... But it didn't. To this day I have no idea what made me even sign up for the interview, but I'd like to put it down as the things one has to attempt at doing, at least once in their lifetime.
    I went shopping for a formal skirt, shirt and stockings, I watched videos on how to wear one's hair in an elegant bun and I got a full manicure and pedicure done. I was all preened for the 'photo session' of sorts so they'd see a full length me before they encountered the real hulk-of-a-figure me.
   I breezed into the office with my Mommy dearest (yes I've taken my mum to a job interview!) and went into the allocated waiting room. I entered, and it hit me.... A multitude of perfume scents hit me. The room had about 10 girls, dressed in smart itty-bitty formal skirts that made mine look like an open umbrella in comparison. They all came in various shapes, but one size. Zero.
     All waif like, extremely made up (they even knew the names of the brushes with which they kept reapplying make up) and quite nervous. I struck up a conversation with one pretty young thing, just fresh out of high school and she launched off on an essay she knew by rote about our country. I was beginning to fret about not having a patriotic speech myself (to serve what end, I'm not sure) when my name was called out for the interview.
    I just about managed to stand up in heels (that made me reach almost 6 feet) and swayed dangerously because my center of gravity changed. It's a wonder how I reached the other room without falling. (I tend to specialize in doing that, especially at places where I go to give interviews) On going inside, I faced a bored but heavily made up lady who at first didn't acknowledge me. It must've taken a lot to do that, because at the risk of sounding immodest, I'm not the kind that one can easily look through. I can assure you I probably have a two digit number before the zero of size zero. People cannot even pretend to skim over my head because they'd have to end up looking at the fan if they did. So after about 2 minutes of looking in every direction save mine, she smiled and gestured for me to sit down.
    Her opening question, about why I wanted to join the airline didn't take me by surprise. I went off into a soliloquy about why I thought it was one of the best in the industry, 'cause it catered to the needs of the consumers while being economically sound and also provided the best facilities second to none though it was started barely a decade ago by a spirited group of entrepreneurs and that the airline had raked in profits faster than.... She gave me a glassy stare much like the look you perhaps have on reading all this. I stopped mid sentence much to her relief (and mine, because I didn't know where I was headed with all the amassed information from Wikipedia) She quickly stated that they'd call me if I'd been selected and concluded the interview.
     Turns out, I didn't make the cut because I was too, umm, "heavy" for the job. I think there's a reason they choose girls who weigh a few milligrams more than an airbag. It's so the airline's assured of the planes taking off lest they can't be airborne, because of crew that might hinder the process!
     I can't say I was let down about it, because I know I wouldn't be happy in a place where I'd only worry about the bristles of 'Shadow large' or 'Flat top small' getting tangled. Or a place where I'd eat an almond a day and feel fat. And most of all in a work environment where I cannot talk or discuss ideas, however obtuse, without being given the glassy eyed stare for it.

Attending Blessed Interviews.

That's it! I've had it with attending annoying job interviews! It's irritating to have to go say the same things over and over to a new set of people and be over-enthusiastic (about their company, like it's what you were born to do) zealous (about feeding in complaint forms all day), and convinced one can make a significant contribution to whatever the hell one's supposed to contribute to and be genuine about it. In the last 4 months, I may have attended half a dozen interviews and each has been worse and the outcomes more dreadful than the previous ones.
      First off, I have a major axe to grind with these Corporate companies. EVERYTHING about them is so intimidating, beginning from the phone interview each insists on. I know, and the person on the other side knows that we'd both be comfortable if we spoke in a language that doesn't scream 'Oh-we're-so-erudite'!!
      So yeah, maybe they work for a foreign firm, but does one HAVE to have a clipped accent and make use of words like 'proliferation', 'impediment' and 'furtherance'?!! What am I, a dictionary?! Till I figure the word going by the context, I've lost sight of the question. And asking them to repeat themselves is another sin! It's all very well in theory to ask them to please go over it again, but if you do it in practice, they're already putting you down for a retard.
     Then it's dealing with the volley of questions. They can range from the older-than-the-pyramids kind of questions like 'Can you tell us something about yourself?" to stuff that's as random as "How many barbers do you reckon there are in this city?"... Well, seeing as how I did NOT work in the Barber-shops counting industry, I couldn't really help my interviewer.
      Then there's also the dressing well, and ensuring that the posture in which you sit, shows just the right degree of eagerness. Too much, and your salary gets non-negotiable, too little and : "You're qualifications are impressive but we don't have an opening for your profile at the moment"
       I think going for an interview and emerging victorious is a dying art (It was pronounced brought dead in my case) But I'm not going to give up. So long as there are people who call me to their offices and get my expert opinion on how many bales of hair barber shops get rid of in a day, I'm going to find plenty use of my time.

Makes you go: Hallelujah! ;)

The comfort of one's bed,
When one's lying half asleep;
That kilo one knocks off,
After working out a week.

A warm smile from a friend,
One's been sparring with sometime;
The wind in one's hair,
When one's riding against time(!)

The silence of the night,
And the bustle of the day;
Good deeds done to you,
Kindness you'd like to repay.

When your dog actually listens,
To orders given to it;
Joy bells that go off in your head,
That make life seem worth it!

Looking into the mirror,
And finally liking what you see;
You wonder what took you so long,
To learn to just Be.

It's a Dog's Life...!

Okay, so this entry is one that I'm literally copy-pasting from something I'd written a really long time ago. It was a college assignment and we needed to fill space in the newspaper we were bringing out.
It's sort of like an agony-aunt column: Where my dog plays counsellor. (Not your best shoulder to cry on, you'd think!) Here goes :

Toffee with Trophy.

If you have a problem with your Boss, your boyfriend or even yourself, come seek the advice of the world’s smartest Dog, Trophy. He’ll counsel you and rest assured your life will be as simple as Dog’s!


***********************


Dear Trophy,
There is this girl in my class who I really fancy. We’ve been studying together for the past 2 yrs and I’ve had a crush on her for the last 1 yr. The problem is that she already has a boyfriend, and besides the fact that he’s really tall, I feel I’m better than him in every other way. I even get better marks than him. Please advice on how I should go about wooing this girl though she already has a boyfriend.
Really confused.

Dear Really Confused,
You amaze me! First of all, you’ve had a crush on this girl for the last 1yr. And now suddenly light dawns, so you want to ask her out?! Buddy, take my advice and back off. After all, whatever else you must be better at than her boyfriend, at the end of the day, he’s still taller!! And take it from a dog who’s been chased by bigger ones, you don’t want to get on their wrong side. Take heart, look for greener pastures: There're lots of bones out there!


Trophy,
I have a very crazy problem. There’s this one acquaintance of mine who really annoys me. Whenever I meet her, she’s either bragging or bitching! I don’t know what’s wrong with her but I think she suffers from some kind of problem like OBD (Obsessive-Bragging-Disorder) or something. How do I let her know that what she does really annoys me without being very rude?
Bugged.

Dear Bugged,
You poor, poor thing. But don’t worry; we have specimens like that in Doggie world too: Who bark their heads off and won't let us hear the end of it! Anyway, regarding your acquaintance, why don’t you try bragging in front of her as well? Or if that doesn’t work, she’ll have to be given less subtle hints. Two of these, are my personal favourites: Scratch your ear while she's talking or yawn pointedly in her face. (Works like magic with the humans I know!)


Dear Trophy,
My best friend and me have a huge crush on the same guy. We stay in the same neighborhood and the guy in question stays in the same colony too. The thing is, he’s gotten to know of my feelings for him (but doesn't know yet that my friend likes him too) and I’ve noticed a change in his behavior towards me. We’ve also met a few times alone. Very honestly, I’m on cloud nine cause of the attention I’m receiving from the hunk and I can't bear the thought of losing him, but at the same time I don’t want to see my friend heart broken. What do I do?
Stumped.

Dear Stumped,
Place yourself in your best friend’s shoes. Would you want her to go out with the same guy you’ve been drooling about too? The answer in its purest form is No. Right? So my advice to you would be to forget about this guy as a prospective boyfriend. Sure someone’s heart’s going break. But you've got to be clear on where your loyalties lie. Wouldn’t you rather have a friend for life than stand a half chance with this guy? Some men can be Dogs but then again, Dogs make very good friends. If you like this guy so much, keep it to friendship and nothing more.

***********************

Saying Goodbye...

Dedicated to Evi and Ann.

For 20 long years
Thick pals they'd been;
Through kindergarten till college
Two best friends you'd ever seen.

Each looked out for the other
And kept her best interests at heart,
Hardly losing sight of one another
They were never apart.

But then one day,
She received a mail,
A congratulatory note if you must
To do her Masters, she'd have to set a sail(!)

To the land of opportunities,
To make her dreams come true,
To make all the moolah,
And start life brand new.

Its funny when the same reasons
Can make us happy and sad,
It's what the besties went through,
It's no wonder they felt so bad.

But with heads held high,
they decided to say their good byes;
It broke their friends' hearts to see
how much they'd later cry.

But the very same distance,
That they'd dreaded so much;
Didn't bring with it any seams
And the friendship withstood as such.

Now they're happy,
And content with their lives,
Constantly in touch
through phone bills that reach the skies!

This short story,
just goes to show,
That good byes with the right people
are never that bad you know! :)

Romantic Comedies :)

I haven't been a movie buff all my life, but I do enjoy an occasional romantic comedy. For the longest time, I didn't think that movies could impart anything other than slapstick comedy or pelvic thrusts to its audiences. Now, however, after being put on a steady diet of films for quite a while, I'm beginning to change my opinion. Movies, unlike books are less subtle when it comes to giving advice. They're upfront and tell it like it is... I watched this movie called 'He's just not that into you' a few days ago, and I'm amazed at how well they've captured what runs through our collective brains (and which trains of thought should be prevented from running) when it comes to dealing with the opposite gender. Especially with certain members of the opposite gender whom we fancy, rather.
Let's take for instance Rom-coms as a genre. Practically all of them have side kicks in them who play the best friends/siblings of the protagonists. They're the ones who dish out great advice and tend to be pillars of support till the happy couple unite. And I think most such movies do a good job in how they portray such folks. Friends and siblings do play important roles in our lives and they do dish out plenty of advice too! They make us feel extremely loved and special. And sometimes, too special to be let down at all.
I know of cases where one's buddies have stuck up for the girl, stubbornly suggesting that the guy(s) in question probably did fancy her but where too shy/timid/silly/foolish/gutless to actually admit it. As tempting as it may be to believe them, the truth is in such situations (for all my naive readers out there, a piece of unsolicited advice) the guys may really not be interested at all... or with some sensitivity, they're just not THAT interested.
I know one of the toughest parts about things like these is having to answer questions like "Why meee?!" or worse, "Why NOT meee?!"... And having to live with the sinking feeling that one's not good enough. It's also of little help to be told over and over that "there's better in store" when one doesn't even want what is in store in the first place. Unfortunately, as pathetic as the situation maybe, one just has to learn to deal with it. Put in another way, one has to Grow Up.
This blog entry is dedicated to all the people out there whose love remains unrequited... Time heals everything. Give time, time and all will be right with the world. Someone special, somewhere is made for each one of us and we'll all be entitled to our very own happy endings. Until then, bring out the DVDs, eat the popcorn and watch these romantic comedies that impart crucial wisdom to love sick, lovelorn people like you and me! :P