1)"Kutte, kaminey! Main tera khoon pee jaounga!"- Eee! Who does he want to punish? Himself?!!
2)"Main tumhare bacche ki maa banne wali hoon"- Like you didn't see this coming!! Tut tut!
3)"Tum mere liye mar chuke ho!"- So who're you talking to?... Or hallucinating, are we?
4)"Dosti main, no sorry no thank you"- Yeeeaahh right!!
5)"Yeh shaadi nahi ho sakti!"- Who does he think he is? Nostradamus? Aakash Vani? Bejan Daruwala?!
6)"Bhagwaan ke liye mujhe chod do!"- You cannot be serious, woman!!
7)"Yeh sunne se pehle main mar kyun nahi gayi!"- But you have, now. Rest in Peace!
8)"Maine tumhe kya samjha aur tum kya nikle!"- Personality disorder! Asylum bhejo re!
9)"Ab hum kisi ko muh dikhane ke laayak nahi rahe!"- The glass is always half full uncleji, now the kid's gotten the experience!
And this one's a master piece.
10)"Teri shaadi usse nahi hogi jisse tu pyar karti hai, balki usse hogi jisse mein pyar karta hun! (Utpal Dutt, Golmaal)"- .................. WHAT!!
Monday, May 24, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Society's Irritants!
The reason behind my dedicating an entire blog entry to people our society could really do without, is my tryst with some of them over the last few days. I'll go in the order of how irritating they are.
1) Band of Annoying aunties. They're a group we're all familiar with. They might be the nosy neighbours in some cases, or the overtly friendly old relatives in others. One variety consists of the aunties who give you the suspicious I-think-I-saw-you-in-the-mall-with-a-boy stare.
And the second variety of old aunties are the ones who want to engage in conversation at the most inconvenient of times. Like when you're running late for work, they'd like to stop and ask you about some old relative's arthritis. More exasperating, when you're taking an afternoon nap, they'd like to barge in and show their grandchildren your big "Daagie" (read: Doggie).
2) Road Romeos. Oh jeez, they're a maddening bunch. Sometimes, the ridiculous songs and how they sing it itself makes you want to turn around and say " Bhaiyaji please mat gaao! Bahut besure ho!"... And some really have the audacity of hitting on you when you're totally out of their league. Like the short ones. It's amusing more than anything else when you see them sing; they've to look up whilst doing it. All you want to say "Find somebody your own size, buddy".
3) Shutter bugs at Weddings. Or rather, only the ones that take pictures of you when you have your plate stuffed, or mouth. Worse still, both. It's highly embarrassing when you've just put an entire rasgulla in your mouth and have the camera flash in your face. Nope, not a memory I had wanted for posterity, but what the hell.
4) Pesky children. Yeah I know they're pretty cute and all but sometimes, they're just... you'll know. This particular anecdote dates back to when the tube was probably in black and white ( It involves my eldest sister when she was a teenager so that's really a long, long time ago :P) She was just learning to roller skate in the corridor of our apartment and along came a troublesome neighbour. The kid wasn't older than 6, but boy did he change my sister's perspective of children or what! Dunno what did, but something must've made him think she could go a lot faster on wheels than just trudging along with the left-right-left technique beginners tend to adopt.
The lil imp snuck up behind her and gave her a mighty shove. Away went my sister screaming a whole lot of cuss words as she went. Poor thing landed several meters away, a glowering heap.
So yes, in conclusion these are the must-avoid candidates in every society. But unfortunately, love 'em or hate 'em they're bound to plague you at some point or the other: Some road romeo trying to get your attention with a B grade filmy song, a kid asking you awkward questions about the zits on your face, some irritating aunty wanting to know where you've been all evening, or some wedding camera guy taking a picture of you with a forkful of noodles that's lost in transaction between your plate and your mouth. Amen.
1) Band of Annoying aunties. They're a group we're all familiar with. They might be the nosy neighbours in some cases, or the overtly friendly old relatives in others. One variety consists of the aunties who give you the suspicious I-think-I-saw-you-in-the-mall-with-a-boy stare.
And the second variety of old aunties are the ones who want to engage in conversation at the most inconvenient of times. Like when you're running late for work, they'd like to stop and ask you about some old relative's arthritis. More exasperating, when you're taking an afternoon nap, they'd like to barge in and show their grandchildren your big "Daagie" (read: Doggie).
2) Road Romeos. Oh jeez, they're a maddening bunch. Sometimes, the ridiculous songs and how they sing it itself makes you want to turn around and say " Bhaiyaji please mat gaao! Bahut besure ho!"... And some really have the audacity of hitting on you when you're totally out of their league. Like the short ones. It's amusing more than anything else when you see them sing; they've to look up whilst doing it. All you want to say "Find somebody your own size, buddy".
3) Shutter bugs at Weddings. Or rather, only the ones that take pictures of you when you have your plate stuffed, or mouth. Worse still, both. It's highly embarrassing when you've just put an entire rasgulla in your mouth and have the camera flash in your face. Nope, not a memory I had wanted for posterity, but what the hell.
4) Pesky children. Yeah I know they're pretty cute and all but sometimes, they're just... you'll know. This particular anecdote dates back to when the tube was probably in black and white ( It involves my eldest sister when she was a teenager so that's really a long, long time ago :P) She was just learning to roller skate in the corridor of our apartment and along came a troublesome neighbour. The kid wasn't older than 6, but boy did he change my sister's perspective of children or what! Dunno what did, but something must've made him think she could go a lot faster on wheels than just trudging along with the left-right-left technique beginners tend to adopt.
The lil imp snuck up behind her and gave her a mighty shove. Away went my sister screaming a whole lot of cuss words as she went. Poor thing landed several meters away, a glowering heap.
So yes, in conclusion these are the must-avoid candidates in every society. But unfortunately, love 'em or hate 'em they're bound to plague you at some point or the other: Some road romeo trying to get your attention with a B grade filmy song, a kid asking you awkward questions about the zits on your face, some irritating aunty wanting to know where you've been all evening, or some wedding camera guy taking a picture of you with a forkful of noodles that's lost in transaction between your plate and your mouth. Amen.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Tofu :)
Since when I can remember, I'd always wanted a dog. Big, handsome, strong, dependable and most of all, a dog that could scare the wits out of people. It's not to say I have ever taken pride in terrorisng fellow humans, (with my big dog or small) but it's good for a few laughs when you see full grown adults do the weird I-think-the-dog's-gonna-kill-me dance. Also, owning a jumbo sized dog gives you some sort of a status with everyone. They take you a tad more seriously when you threaten to 'set the dog on them' (albeit in jest) as against the smirk you'd get when you try to do the same with a miniature dachshund.
Being brought up on a steady diet of Famous Fives' while growing up, I was in love with the big adorable Timothy (the loyal mongrel). I always fantasized about having one of my own someday.
Every stray pup my sister and me managed to bring home was christened 'Timothy' on arrival, but blame it on the doggies' unfortunate lineage and people's bias only toward pedigree dogs, our little Timmys' would end up being sent away to the animal shelters.
Years of cribbing and crying about wanting a pet resulted in our parents finally relenting. They brought home a dachshund puppy and though a small part of me hoped he'd grow into something that didn't resemble a rodent, I grew to love him the way he was. A cute little piglet.
'Happy' stayed with us for 6 and a half wonderful years and one of the sadest days of my life, was when he died. Months went by and the hurt of losing him stung like nothing else. We tried adopting again, by being surrogate mothers to 2-3 week old puppies, but I guess we must've done a bad job cause they fell ill and the poor dearies had to be sent back to the pet shelters. Then finally, one November evening...Trophy came into our lives.
It was Diwali and the whole family was in a joyous mood. We didn't invite a large gathering that year, so it was just us close family and a few friends . We were having a good time after the Lakshmi pooja, and a friend and me proceeded to the balcony to watch the fireworks. Ten minutes into the artificial star gazing, I happened to glance toward the car park. That's when I saw him...
All of 4 weeks perhaps, pudgy, he resembled a ball of black fur. He sat amidst crackers that went off with alarming noise and light. He just sat huddled and sat still. I almost didn't see him (what with the racket) but he'd chosen the same moment to move a bit, when I was looking in his direction. The movement caught my eye. I saw him from a distance and without so much of a cursory warning to mom or dad, I ran out of the house and bounded down the stairs in filmy style of a heroine meeting her love after years.
I must've looked a sight running like a mad woman, but nothing mattered right then. I got to where the pup was and saw the little fellow shivering in the wintery chill. If my heart had melted on seeing him from afar, it dissolved completely when I looked at his puppy dog face. I picked him up and took him straight home.
Of course, it wasn't easy convincing my parents and worse still, my eldest sister. But Amuee (my second sister) and me won the battle finally. We got to keep Trophy (aka Tofu) and it was the best thing that had happened to me since Happy's untimely departure.
In a lot of ways, Tofu resembles Happy. Mom's of the opinion that he might be the latter himself, incarnate. Tofu's the exact same combo of black and brown too, has the same hazel brown eyes, and gives me the same expression of 'what do you take me for?’ when I try and trick him off his dog treats. He also has the same sleeping place and took to my dad the way Happy had done when he’d first come.
Tofu’s brought our family a lot of luck, happiness and love. And he hasn’t let me down either. He’s big, handsome, strong, dependable and most of all a dog that scares the wits out of people… ;)
Being brought up on a steady diet of Famous Fives' while growing up, I was in love with the big adorable Timothy (the loyal mongrel). I always fantasized about having one of my own someday.
Every stray pup my sister and me managed to bring home was christened 'Timothy' on arrival, but blame it on the doggies' unfortunate lineage and people's bias only toward pedigree dogs, our little Timmys' would end up being sent away to the animal shelters.
Years of cribbing and crying about wanting a pet resulted in our parents finally relenting. They brought home a dachshund puppy and though a small part of me hoped he'd grow into something that didn't resemble a rodent, I grew to love him the way he was. A cute little piglet.
'Happy' stayed with us for 6 and a half wonderful years and one of the sadest days of my life, was when he died. Months went by and the hurt of losing him stung like nothing else. We tried adopting again, by being surrogate mothers to 2-3 week old puppies, but I guess we must've done a bad job cause they fell ill and the poor dearies had to be sent back to the pet shelters. Then finally, one November evening...Trophy came into our lives.
It was Diwali and the whole family was in a joyous mood. We didn't invite a large gathering that year, so it was just us close family and a few friends . We were having a good time after the Lakshmi pooja, and a friend and me proceeded to the balcony to watch the fireworks. Ten minutes into the artificial star gazing, I happened to glance toward the car park. That's when I saw him...
All of 4 weeks perhaps, pudgy, he resembled a ball of black fur. He sat amidst crackers that went off with alarming noise and light. He just sat huddled and sat still. I almost didn't see him (what with the racket) but he'd chosen the same moment to move a bit, when I was looking in his direction. The movement caught my eye. I saw him from a distance and without so much of a cursory warning to mom or dad, I ran out of the house and bounded down the stairs in filmy style of a heroine meeting her love after years.
I must've looked a sight running like a mad woman, but nothing mattered right then. I got to where the pup was and saw the little fellow shivering in the wintery chill. If my heart had melted on seeing him from afar, it dissolved completely when I looked at his puppy dog face. I picked him up and took him straight home.
Of course, it wasn't easy convincing my parents and worse still, my eldest sister. But Amuee (my second sister) and me won the battle finally. We got to keep Trophy (aka Tofu) and it was the best thing that had happened to me since Happy's untimely departure.
In a lot of ways, Tofu resembles Happy. Mom's of the opinion that he might be the latter himself, incarnate. Tofu's the exact same combo of black and brown too, has the same hazel brown eyes, and gives me the same expression of 'what do you take me for?’ when I try and trick him off his dog treats. He also has the same sleeping place and took to my dad the way Happy had done when he’d first come.
Tofu’s brought our family a lot of luck, happiness and love. And he hasn’t let me down either. He’s big, handsome, strong, dependable and most of all a dog that scares the wits out of people… ;)
Friday, April 30, 2010
Of Love Untold...
What is Love?
Such a clichéd rhetoric,
makes you want to dish out poetry
or something heroic.
What is Love?
If it's something I'm honestly asked,
not a song and dance sequence
such a thing of the past!
What is Love?
It's not about holding their hand,
being mushy or romantic
It's about taking a stand.
What is Love?
It is being brave and happy,
of being strong and sensible
when you'd rather be sappy.
What is Love?
It's about not letting it show,
just how difficult it is
to let them go.
Such a clichéd rhetoric,
makes you want to dish out poetry
or something heroic.
What is Love?
If it's something I'm honestly asked,
not a song and dance sequence
such a thing of the past!
What is Love?
It's not about holding their hand,
being mushy or romantic
It's about taking a stand.
What is Love?
It is being brave and happy,
of being strong and sensible
when you'd rather be sappy.
What is Love?
It's about not letting it show,
just how difficult it is
to let them go.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
It's a Girl thing...
It all begins when you turn 14 or so. No I'm not saying that you're any less of a girl before that, but things like one's appearance and looks don't bother one till then. It didn't bother me so much at least. Up until I reached my turbulent teens, I was obsessed about other stuff. (Well, I've sort of forgotten what I was obsessed with then, but hell I know it wasn't about my hair or complexion!)
It's a turning point in a girl's life when she's too old to be attending good-for-nothing birthday parties and made to play lame games and yet is too young to be included in girlie gossip. It's the most awkward age to be.
Then comes the phase when you're introduced to everything feminine. From inner wear to make up. It comes at you Tsunami style and hits you in the face about being lady like. It's during ones early teens that one begins hearing of friends frequenting beauty parlours. And no, not just for a hair cut, at that.
The funny thing about how it turned out for me, is that I visited one (beauty parlour) for 'more' than just a hair cut at the ripe old age of 18. It was a torturous experience. Getting my eyebrows plucked and my limbs waxed. I swore never to go back there for as long as I could, and I managed for almost a year.
Of course, it didn't help that my Sindhi-Mallu background of healthy genes made my arms look like the the Sundarbans forest region in no time, but I wasn't going to back down.
Alas I lost my battle with it just before my sister's wedding. The thing about Weddings is that one's forced to spend one's time and money on things we don't want, for things we'll hardly wear, to show off in front of people we don't even like! But I digress!
Visiting the parlour after such a long hiatus gave me the creeps. It even made my hair stand on end. And coming to think of it, it probably made it easier for the lady wielding the hot wax to get rid of the Sundarbans.
With that out of the way, I only had to get my eyebrows plucked and upper lip done. The former's thickness would've put Kaalia's (from Sholay fame) eyebrows to shame and the latter's existence, Gabbar himself.
Getting deforestation done without your whole and soul consent is by far one of the most painful things. And that's saying something cause I've burnt, cut, nicked and poked myself during my entire lifetime.
I barely survived the eyebrow ordeal and I couldn't for the life of me let the evil lady with the thread do the same to the area above my upper lip. I tried in vain telling my sister that the true pride of a person lies in the strength of their mustache (or some rubbish along the same lines) but she was not amused. I had to go ahead with the thing and boy did I manage... halfway.
I'll spare you the torrid details, but I'll tell you this. When I posed for photographs later, at my sister's wedding, I had to do it at an angle.
Here's a tip for those who've not got their upper lip done completely. Tilt your head, chin up and smile. It doesn't matter if you have half your handlebar mustache to hide. You can just cover it up with a tilt, chin up and smile. Practice. Tilt, chin up and smile...
It's a turning point in a girl's life when she's too old to be attending good-for-nothing birthday parties and made to play lame games and yet is too young to be included in girlie gossip. It's the most awkward age to be.
Then comes the phase when you're introduced to everything feminine. From inner wear to make up. It comes at you Tsunami style and hits you in the face about being lady like. It's during ones early teens that one begins hearing of friends frequenting beauty parlours. And no, not just for a hair cut, at that.
The funny thing about how it turned out for me, is that I visited one (beauty parlour) for 'more' than just a hair cut at the ripe old age of 18. It was a torturous experience. Getting my eyebrows plucked and my limbs waxed. I swore never to go back there for as long as I could, and I managed for almost a year.
Of course, it didn't help that my Sindhi-Mallu background of healthy genes made my arms look like the the Sundarbans forest region in no time, but I wasn't going to back down.
Alas I lost my battle with it just before my sister's wedding. The thing about Weddings is that one's forced to spend one's time and money on things we don't want, for things we'll hardly wear, to show off in front of people we don't even like! But I digress!
Visiting the parlour after such a long hiatus gave me the creeps. It even made my hair stand on end. And coming to think of it, it probably made it easier for the lady wielding the hot wax to get rid of the Sundarbans.
With that out of the way, I only had to get my eyebrows plucked and upper lip done. The former's thickness would've put Kaalia's (from Sholay fame) eyebrows to shame and the latter's existence, Gabbar himself.
Getting deforestation done without your whole and soul consent is by far one of the most painful things. And that's saying something cause I've burnt, cut, nicked and poked myself during my entire lifetime.
I barely survived the eyebrow ordeal and I couldn't for the life of me let the evil lady with the thread do the same to the area above my upper lip. I tried in vain telling my sister that the true pride of a person lies in the strength of their mustache (or some rubbish along the same lines) but she was not amused. I had to go ahead with the thing and boy did I manage... halfway.
I'll spare you the torrid details, but I'll tell you this. When I posed for photographs later, at my sister's wedding, I had to do it at an angle.
Here's a tip for those who've not got their upper lip done completely. Tilt your head, chin up and smile. It doesn't matter if you have half your handlebar mustache to hide. You can just cover it up with a tilt, chin up and smile. Practice. Tilt, chin up and smile...
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Love Aaj, no kal!
Statutory Warning : Not one of my humorous entries, so if you're looking for laughs, steer clear of this one!
Relationships. Aren't we all in one, at some point or the other? Some big, some small; some tiny, some huge; some with the opposite gender, some with the same (If your door swings both ways), some relationships that we don't even realise we've made, and some we realise only when its too late (Did the last part just rhyme?!)...
No I don't intend for this entry to be a sad, moppy one. Cause really, who wants to read about the dull stuff... I know I don't. Well today, I want to write about something that's been playing on my mind for the last coupe of days.
I read an article a few days ago about this generations' take on relationships. Yeah, 'Love aaj kal' in the literal sense. As cliched as it may sound, I recoiled at the in-your-face opinions that a lot of young people had given. Living-in, Getting bored of each other too soon, having flings, two timing, indulging in one night stands...
I don't mean to be all high and mighty or condescending when I say it... But I think its a whole pile of rot. I do not belong to the very old school of thought of being conservative and regressive, but I don't think its okay to change ones love interest every couple of months. [I also know that if somebody does, it's none of my business but I'll dish out my opinion anyway ;)]
And hang on, even if one manages to get themselves eye candy every now and then, how do they do that? (Not how they landed with pretty face, smarty!) What I mean is, does a switch just go off in their heads? Do they unplug something somewhere? Do they suddenly change modes? Do they get indifferent? Just like that? HOW?!
I've been through my share of crushes and have had them crushed too, so I know from experience it's not that simple. Doesn't work that way. Ever... Well, atleast for the likes of me!
The whole point of my writing this blog entry is to try and tell a small part of humanity out there... That not all 'young people' are in for instant gratification. Some of us are here for commitment. Some of us are here for having it long term. Some of us are here for sticking it out.... Or not having it at all.
It's tough taking a stand like that sometimes... Especially if there are attractive deals out there. But the decision is final. I'd rather have the heart ache of unrequited love, than go on a rebound from one to another to another to another. I rest my case.
Relationships. Aren't we all in one, at some point or the other? Some big, some small; some tiny, some huge; some with the opposite gender, some with the same (If your door swings both ways), some relationships that we don't even realise we've made, and some we realise only when its too late (Did the last part just rhyme?!)...
No I don't intend for this entry to be a sad, moppy one. Cause really, who wants to read about the dull stuff... I know I don't. Well today, I want to write about something that's been playing on my mind for the last coupe of days.
I read an article a few days ago about this generations' take on relationships. Yeah, 'Love aaj kal' in the literal sense. As cliched as it may sound, I recoiled at the in-your-face opinions that a lot of young people had given. Living-in, Getting bored of each other too soon, having flings, two timing, indulging in one night stands...
I don't mean to be all high and mighty or condescending when I say it... But I think its a whole pile of rot. I do not belong to the very old school of thought of being conservative and regressive, but I don't think its okay to change ones love interest every couple of months. [I also know that if somebody does, it's none of my business but I'll dish out my opinion anyway ;)]
And hang on, even if one manages to get themselves eye candy every now and then, how do they do that? (Not how they landed with pretty face, smarty!) What I mean is, does a switch just go off in their heads? Do they unplug something somewhere? Do they suddenly change modes? Do they get indifferent? Just like that? HOW?!
I've been through my share of crushes and have had them crushed too, so I know from experience it's not that simple. Doesn't work that way. Ever... Well, atleast for the likes of me!
The whole point of my writing this blog entry is to try and tell a small part of humanity out there... That not all 'young people' are in for instant gratification. Some of us are here for commitment. Some of us are here for having it long term. Some of us are here for sticking it out.... Or not having it at all.
It's tough taking a stand like that sometimes... Especially if there are attractive deals out there. But the decision is final. I'd rather have the heart ache of unrequited love, than go on a rebound from one to another to another to another. I rest my case.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
It took me 21 years to get this...!
1. Don't play with sauce squeeze bottles.
2. Don't buy footwear that only looks pretty.
3. Don't wear white when you're going out to lunch.
4. Don't be in a rush to fall in love.
5. Have good phone manners.
6. Don't shake anybody awake.
7. Do not try to befriend a dog that's barking.
8. When you say you'll get back to someone, get back.
9. REMEMBER birthdays.
10. Have a healthy self esteem.
11. Fairness creams do not work! Deal with it.
12. Listen.
13. Read the instructions before making popcorn.
14. Be nice.
15. Chew, swallow, then talk.
16. When in doubt, shut up. Read about it and get back later.
17. Love your folks. They're the best people ever.
18. Maintain a personal diary.
19. Stay in touch with your close friends. Always.
20. Don't wear a skirt if you have to ride the two-wheeler.
21. Frame some sentences in your head first. You'll know how stupid they sound when you say them.
2. Don't buy footwear that only looks pretty.
3. Don't wear white when you're going out to lunch.
4. Don't be in a rush to fall in love.
5. Have good phone manners.
6. Don't shake anybody awake.
7. Do not try to befriend a dog that's barking.
8. When you say you'll get back to someone, get back.
9. REMEMBER birthdays.
10. Have a healthy self esteem.
11. Fairness creams do not work! Deal with it.
12. Listen.
13. Read the instructions before making popcorn.
14. Be nice.
15. Chew, swallow, then talk.
16. When in doubt, shut up. Read about it and get back later.
17. Love your folks. They're the best people ever.
18. Maintain a personal diary.
19. Stay in touch with your close friends. Always.
20. Don't wear a skirt if you have to ride the two-wheeler.
21. Frame some sentences in your head first. You'll know how stupid they sound when you say them.
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